Humour

Don't forget, you can send your jokes to humour@jameswilsonmedia.co.uk

Chapter 1: A selection of very funny observations from a canine perspective, sent to me by Eric Bishop - some are a bit iffy, but I guess we're all grown-ups - aren't we??

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'1'
Blaming your trumps on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!

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'2'
Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG !!!!

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'3'
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

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'4'
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

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'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

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'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain!

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'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

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'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

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'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

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'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

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Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

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At Last - the "MAN RULES"

with many, many, many thanks to Mike Long!

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1.Men are NOT mind readers!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday Sports - It's like the full moon - or the changing of the tides - Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want: Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are - Don't ask us!

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself!

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as computers or cars.

1. You have enough clothes!

1. You have too many shoes!

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But - did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!

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Some bits from Brett Butler -

don't know where he got them from, but they must have been written by a female of the species!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

And there's more on the Battle of the Sexes under Marital Strife

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More top stuff from Wynne Beddoes

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

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Some questions, brought to you by Peter Kay

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet Paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?!

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Being British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have ‘call waiting’ so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION..

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Most people will find these very funny - sadly most of them now apply to me!! Thanks once again to Steve Edwards for his invaluable contribution - I suspect they struck a chord with him too!

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.

15. You always have enough milk in.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels" and "Not in my day...."

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at rowdy school children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.

26. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me.

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I'm going to break a golden rule here - some of the following jokes aren't exactly PC or what you'd describe as suitable for all the family, but they ARE hilarious! Thanks to Stuart and Helen Bury for these

What's in a Chav?

Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter. (FIVE STAR JOKE!!)

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a chav in a suit?
A. The defendant

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It's probably your bike!

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you lookin' at??

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?

A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it. (Don't understand this one)

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A good start.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova a shame?
A. Because a Nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count. (FIVE STAR JOKE - but very iffy!)

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Another one from Ellie Jackson - funny AND clean!!

Well, Well!

A couple of chaps spot a well and chuck some pebbles down to see how deep it is - they don't hear anything, so decide to throw a rock the size of a football down - still nothing heard.Then they spot a very big rock which, between them, they chuck into the well - still nothing. In a few minutes a goat comes running out of the woods and leaps into the well.

They are amazed. Within a few more minutes a farmer appears and asks if they've seen the goat. They said they had and were astonished that the goat had leapt into the well.

The farmer says "that can't be my goat, it was tethered to an enormous rock".

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Can't verify it but the following are claimed to be genuine newspaper extracts - thanks to Wynne Beddoes for digging them out!

Stop Press

1. Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2. Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3. Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4. A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5. At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6. Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Hiel Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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Many thanks to Ellie Jackson who forwarded the following to me

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual." HEARD IT!!!

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?" "Don't you start." IFFY!!!

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub - one says to the other "Your round." The other says "So are you, you fat bas***d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.............

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Fresh Radio Reports!

3 Fresh Radio reporters and 3 local weekly newspaper reporters were having a competition on orienteering, when the newspaper boys came to a large fast river which they had to cross, the first reporter took one look and then waded into the water, to be immediately swept from his feet, and only made it to the other shore within an ace of losing his life!

The second newspaper reporter seeing this knelt and prayed to God and asked for a dinghy to help him cross, in a flash of lightning a dinghy appeared and the reporter jumped in and started to row across, but the current was far too strong for his slim frame and he capsized barely making it to the other side with his life!

The third newspaper reporter seeing what happened, knelt and prayed for a dinghy, but with the muscles of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a flash of lightning a whoosh of air and the dinghy was there and he had muscles on his muscles, he jumped into the dinghy and set off, but the torrent was too strong for him, and he capsized and barely made it to the shore.

By now the radio reporters had arrived, they looked at each other, then one pulled a map out of his pocket, looked at it and walked 200 yards upstream and crossed over on the bridge...

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The Elephant Jokes - and more!

Q. How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge??

A. You can see the footprints in the butter!

Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

A. So they can hide in a Cherry tree!

Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse?

A. Dirty great holes in your skirting board!

Q. How does an Elephant get up a tree?

A. Sits on a acorn and waits for it to grow!

Q. How does an elephant get down a tree?

A. Sits on a leaf and waits till autumn

Q. Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?

A. So they can float upside down in a bowl of custard without being seen.

Q. How do you get four elephants in a mini?

A. Two in the front and two in the back.

Q. How do you get four giraffes in a mini?

A. You can't - there are four elephants in there already!

Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

A. Cliff!

Q. What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

A. Reg!

Q. What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

A. Doug.

Q. What sits on the bottom of the sea and shivers?

A. A Nervous Wreck!

Q. What do you call a Viking pushing a wheelbarrow?

A. A Norse and cart.

Q. What do you call a Viking on a push bike?

A. 1 Norse power.

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Marital Strife

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Thanks to Chris for his contribution

A funeral service is being held for a woman. At the end of the service, the bearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan and when the coffin is opened, they find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years, but then dies. Once again the funeral is held and at the end of it the bearers are carrying the coffin out. As they approach the door, the husband cries out "watch that wall!"

Two blokes were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Lou replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

"Mr. Parker, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife £350.00 a week," "That's very fair, your honour," said Dave. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself,"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife"

Mummy, mummy, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Shut up, you'll wake your father!

Two men were fishing when a funeral cortege went past over a nearby bridge, and one of the fishermen stood removed his hat and bowed his head. After the funeral had passed, his friend said "that was very respectful of you Fred" to which Fred replied "Well it's the least I could do, we were married for 25 years"

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh ... immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

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Miscellaneous Stuff

Little Alex was staring up at the large brass plaque that hung on the side wall of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and seemed to fascinate the 7 year old. "All those names," he said to the vicar, "Who are they?" "Well, they were people who used to go to this church," explained the vicar. "This is a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the services." Soberly, they stood together, staring the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, when he asked, "Which service, the 9 o'clock, or the 11 o'clock?"

James is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

A man went to the doctors with custard in one ear and jelly and fruit in the other, the doctor said "What can I do for you?" to which the man replied "Can you speak up? I'm a trifle deaf!"

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Waiter, Waiter -

Waiter, waiter - my plate's wet!

That's not wet sir, that's your soup!

Waiter, waiter - there's no chicken in this Chicken Pie!

So what - there's no dog in dog biscuits either!

Waiter, waiter, this crab's only got one claw!

Perhaps he's been in a fight sir?

Well then, bring me the winner!!

Waiter, waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!

Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them you know!

Waiter, waiter, how long have you been here?

Oh, about six months sir.

Well it can't have been you who took my order then!

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Shaggy dog stories

A young man named Laurence received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Laurence, being a sensitive soul, tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music (from his latest EP) and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, despite his mild and tolerant nature, poor Laurence was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Laurence shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. Laurence, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Laurence quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Laurence's outstretched arms and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." Laurence was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a Skipton bus stop where Mike and Julian are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" Julian & Mike continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
Mike turns to Julian and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says Julian, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Jeremy goes to the doctor
Jeremy: “Doc, I have this problem, I can't stop singing either 'The Green Green Grass of Home' or 'Delilah'.”
Doctor: “Sounds like you have a severe case of 'Tom Jones syndrome'.”
Jeremy: “Is it rare?”
Doctor: “It's not unusual!!!”

Sharon, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. At the first house she came to, a man answered the door and said to her, "Yes, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
'That sounds great!" said Sharon. 'Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is £20 alright?" Sharon asked.
'Yes, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house. His wife, who had been listening, said to him: '£20! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" 'Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Sharon knocked on the door. 'I'm all finished' she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah' Sharon replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" he man reached into his wallet to pay Sharon.
"Oh, and by the way," said Sharon That's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

This one's dedicated to my very dear friend, Mrs Mac - who talks like this all the time!

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it;
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
0, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor. "It's a Burns Unit."

Morag brought her very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but Polly has passed away". A distressed Morag wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As Morag looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot front top to bottom. He then looked at the vet, shook his head and barked. The vet fussed the dog, took it out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who jumped up and also sniffed the bird on the table. The cat sat back, shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The vet looked at Morag and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, produced a bill and handed it to her.
Still puzzled, Morag took the bill and looked at it. "£150!" she cried. "Just to tell me my bird is dead?! That's ridiculous!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

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And now – the very cruel, extremely unfair and totally undeserved

Beckham selection!

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he’s celebrating.
He answers "Well sweet'art, I done this jigsore in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet darlin’" says David. "It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

A thief drives off with Posh's new Porsche. David sees it all happen.

"Victoria, Victoria, someone's nicked your car!"

"Oh my Gawd," says Victoria. "Did ya get a description of 'im?"

"I done betta than that," says David. "I wrote down the number on the number plate!"

Worried that his reputation for not being the sharpest pencil in the box is beginning to affect his career, David decides to go back to school for a bit.

After the first week, Posh goes to pick him up at the end of the day and gets talking to one of his teachers.

"How's he doin'?" she asks.

"Very well," says the teacher. "He's made straight A's.

"That's marvelous!" says Posh.

"Absolutely," says the teacher. "His B's are a bit wonky, but we'll start on those next week."

On his first flight to Madrid, David is told that chewing gum is a good way to stop his ears popping. As they land, he calls over the air stewardess and says,
"This gum worked a treat, but do you know how I'm supposed to get it out of me ears?"

David is driving down the motorway when his mobile rings. It's Victoria.
"David, be careful. There's just been a report on the radio that there's a car drivin' the wrong way down the motorway."
"They got their report wrong" Says David "it's not just one car, it's thousands of 'em."

David is driving down a country lane when he sees a flashing light in the rear view mirror. He pulls over and a policeman approaches the car.

"I thought you ought to know, Sir, that there is a woman about a mile back who claims to be your wife. She says she fell out of the car when you turned a corner."

"Thank Gawd for that," says David. "I thought I'd gone deaf."

Poor Brooklyn is stuck on his maths homework.

"Dad," he yells, "will you help me with my homework?"

"I don't know, son," says David. "It wouldn't really be right, now, would it?"

"Probably not, Dad," replies Brooklyn. "But have a go anyway."

Got a good (clean) joke? Drop a line to humour@jameswilsonmedia.co.uk

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